It's been some time.

Hi all.  It has been just over 5 years since I've last written on this precious blog o' mine.  I kind of gave it up for a while.  Life happened; things got messy.  Instead of turning here to work out my issues as they were- I met them head on, and handled life the only way I knew how: both hands in, head down, and messy.  I didn't write all of the things that happened, frankly, because I wanted to spare my family.  It is a lot of scrutiny to place one's family on the world stage; especially when that family begins to unravel.

So. Have I accomplished anything?  That depends on who you ask.  An outsider looking in, you may not think so.  Knock on the door, initiate conversation, then ask a few questions only to learn that I have accomplished several things, and yet learned so much more.

In 2010, I decided to leave my husband, thereby breaking up our family.  I made the conscious decision to not let our separateness affect parenting our children.  I set about doing a lot of internal work on myself.  I knew the path would unfold at the right time; I just didn't know when/where/how or why.  I knew I had to trust I was making the right decision for myself and doing the right thing for my kids.

In 2011, I experienced an epiphany at work.  At this time, I was roughly 2-2.5 years into my new job.  Two years was about my normal expiration date before I go completely stir crazy and jump ship [usually industry also].  The realization was, as I was standing behind my 10 burner/2 oven stove, that if I never did anything different in my life, I would be perfectly content cooking for the rest of it.  That specific task- cooking food, making meals, is something I would be doing at home for my friends and family anyway, so it did not matter when, where or who I worked for, that was THE task that I would be doing.

Early 2012 I made the decision to make culinary "official" on my resume. After I researched a bit, sold everything I owned, moved to Illinois with my aunt, I enrolled in culinary school full time.  I also worked part time, as my schedule would not allow for more working hours due to homework and commuting to/from Chicago for school.  I also left my kids in their father's care.  I could devote several blog posts to this [I may in the future, or I may not] "abandonment" of my kids so I could "enrich" their lives in the future.  I cannot count the many, many nights I cried myself to sleep, questioned my decisions, and wondered if it was all for naught.

In 2013 after attending school for a year, and working at various places along Chicago's North Shore, I dropped out of college and focused on working full time.  Between working FT and testing the relationship waters, there were a plethora of lessons to be learned.  Of them, set goals, was likely one of the most important.  I smashed some of my goals; others were pushed off for another time.

2014 is when I made the move to corporate; only to discover that I hated it.  I'm pretty sure they hated me too, and frankly that's perfectly okay.  I also found myself in the position as an Executive Chef for the very first time. 2014 was a series of bold moves for me: staking my claim and soldiering on, exec chef status, moving [twice], taking FT placement of my youngest [more tears for me; they have slowed but not stopped], then finally starting my own private business. I was forced to relocate back to Wisconsin, as the work I had and the income was not sufficient to keep myself and youngest child housed.

This year, 2015 was declared my century of soul-care.  My business expanded, where I continued to chase down any leads I could.  Gpa fell ill [he was sick long before he let us know; he knew for about 5 years before he decided to tell us] and was whisked to Wisconsin for better care so we could all be closer to him.  During this year, my life has felt like a constant upheaval.  I put my business leads on hold so I could focus on being present for my aunts, mom, gma & gpa.  Simultaneously I have felt as though everything around me was exploding & imploding; akin to the birth of a star.  Things are coming together and falling apart all at the same time, even still.

Have I Accomplished Anything?  Surely I have.  These tidbits are mere scratching on the surface of my life thus far.  Where am I now?  Present.  Trying to follow the direction my path has led me in. I set my intentions, and trusted the universe to lead me.  Things happen exactly when they are supposed to, and not before.  Life, as defined by others, feels forced.  Striving for an authentic life, there are sacrifices to be made.  I don't know where this fits in- art, life, food, etc.  I needed to start to get these things off my chest; more to life I suppose.  I've come a very long way in 5 years; hell, this year alone I've covered a lot of ground.  I still have a lot to learn, and will continue with an open mind and open heart.  Love is oftentimes difficult, and plagued with grief.  That is the trade-off I suppose.

Revelation.

This isn't a visual art piece. More of a verbal dissertation if sorts.

I've recently learned a lesson in success. What is success? Everyone asks. No one really knows. Does it mean a house? Does that house have to be fancy, or can it just be a house? I guess its how you define it. For me, Success [true Success, always has a capital S.] is basic. Really basic. Doing something I really love while getting paid for it. The price of "knowledge" today is really fucking ridiculous. Knowledge should be free. Why are we paying so much money to something that should be shared. Much like music. And prose. And performance. It means so much more when you can give something away for free to someone who really appreciates it than it does when someone you don't really know pays for it. I will say though- they are a very close tie. It feels so good when someone you don't know buys your work- because they actually like it and haven't known you since birth on. [Sorry, Auntie, but I still am super thrilled that you buy and display my art. I have the distinct opportunity to have my work in a Private collection. YEA!!!!]

Back to my thought. What do I really love? I love to paint, I love to cook, I love to have the opportunity to help out at my son's school no matter how much the little beastlings frighten me. Anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows that I hate most peoples kids. There are some exceptions, who I will not name as you know who you are, or at least your parents know who you are. I've learned that I really do not like working in an office. The first one I worked at [which only lasted a month!] I had my very first anxiety/panic attack. Fucking frightening. The second one I worked at 2 years [only for the resume credit. 2 years looks good. Better than one year.] and nearly divorced my husband. 2 years is 2 years too long to work opposite shifts & still attempt effective communication when you NEVER see each other. So glad I'm done with that. I love my husband dearly. And he loves me. I don't know why, but dammit, he does, and I love him all the more for it. I have been able to spend time with him, just being together. Being broke is always a strain on a relationship, but I'm really trying not to let it be. I hate it too. And I'm trying. I want to be happy. I want us to be happy. [for the record, folks: we are. Very happy. :)] I really love to learn new things. Or at least more about my favorite things. I'm a self taught artist. I am learning as I go, what to do, what not to do. How to run a business [sort of], how to paint to get the effect you want. Really do your homework & plan everything out- down to the fucking brushes you will be using. [Sorry, Sara~! I'll fix it!! You'll love it!] I love to cook. I'm an amateur chef in my own kitchen. Anyone who has eaten at my house can attest to that. Ask Fredward; he'll tell you. I'm get to learn all of the things that my girlfriend learned in her 9 years as a cook & chef all over Milwaukee. I'm super excited about that. [bonus: Joann!! I've missed her for 9 years!]

I have all of these really great things happening in my life- the things I've really worked for- and its all so basic. Simple happiness. Not the 'success can't happen until I've achieved x, y & z' bit. I am grateful I didn't have to work for my family. It came to me; disguised as the lesson I so clearly needed. And learned from. Thank you.



You know what? If all that isn't the definition of my Success, I don't know what is.

Thank you for reading.